Oldie But A Goodie: The Chris 2.0

I’m at a point where I’m at a loss for words.  I gotta lotta crap going on.  So… I’m delving into the “Virtual Hugs” archive and re-posting one of my more favorite posts.  Enjoy…

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After years of pouring over designs, schematics, drawings, prototypes, etc…. I have finally finished what is going to make me millions:  a completely functional, lifelike android of myself.  Ladies and Gentlemen… meet “The Chris 2.0”

Front side of the Chris 2.0

Back side of the Chris 2.0

I originally came up with the idea for an android of myself when Bunny wanted to watch “The Man in the Moon” and I thought, “Wouldn’t it be cool if I had an android of myself to watch this movie with Bunny while I did something else!”

Viola!  The idea for Chris 2.0 was born.

The Chris 2.0 is a completely “green” product made from recycled materials like aluminum cans (inner workings, wires, protective coating underneath “skin”, etc.), plastic bottles (fingernails, toe nails, etc.), newspaper (clothes, body hair, etc.), old computers, glass (eyes), beer koozies (skin) and every copy I could find of “The Blind Watchmaker” and “The Secret” (glute padding).

The Chris 2.0 is not only an environmentally friendly product by means of what he’s made of but because he also does not run on fossil fuels.  Simply plug him into a wall outlet with his charging cable (sold separately) overnight and he will be completely charged for you in the morning.  Chris 2.0’s  outlet for charging is located in his left ear.

Chris 2.0 is easily stored in the corner because he stands upright and doesn’t take up a lot of square footage

To keep the Chris 2.0 completely lubricated you do not need to worry about keeping his zerts squirted with grease like your Dads old Kubota tractor.  Instead… simply supply the Chris 2.0 with a can of Sprite twice a day and he will run smoothly.

Chris 2.0’s inability to swallow the Sprite is a minor defect in my design.  For this reason he has to lay on the floor to absorb the Sprite.  Hopefully this kink will be worked out by the time Chris 3.0 (due out next year) is completed.

One of the many fine details of Chris 2.0 is that he is equipped with as many as 100 different facial features.  Some of these are:

Happy,

Sleepy (probably needs to be charged),

Suspicious,

and Confused.

Chris 2.0 can also be dressed in regular clothes… sort of like a full size Ken doll.  Or if you prefer him to wear no clothes at all that is an option.  Chris 2.0 is anatomically correct in every way.

Chris 2.0 in his Texas Rangers attire: a perfect friend to take to the game!

Chris 2.0 in his cold weather clothes and ready to shovel the sidewalk (“shovel the sidewalk” app only $2.99, see website below)

Chris 2.0 has been programmed to complete basic applications from the most menial to the most complex.  All of these tasks can be completed while you sit on the couch and watch “The Real World season 92”, “Rock of Love Bus season 11”, “The Bachelor season 114”, or “When Animals Attack episode 444”. 

A newly purchased Chris 2.0 comes with five basic applications (run vacuum, clean cat litter box, make bed, iron clothes and pick up dog crap).  If you want your Chris 2.0 to complete more tasks, you can purchase them at the Chris 2.0 online app store.  These applications can be anything as simple as playing “patty cake” with your kid or making pancakes to something complicated like flying a jumbo jet or cutting through the space time continuum.

Once your Chris 2.0 is downloaded with a certain application he will be ready to perform that application when he is simply told to do so.

Chris 2.0 cleaning a cat litter box

Chris 2.0 vacuuming the floor

Chris 2.0 flying a jumbo jet

Just in case you’re worried about Chris 2.0 developing an independent will aside from what he is programmed to do… don’t worry.  The casing of his brain is made from a leftover aluminum tin can of garlic spaghetti sauce I found in the trash so if he starts to develop an independent will it would not be hard to remove his tin can brain with a golf club, baseball bat or a shotgun.

Chris 2.0 was designed for the working man.  I didn’t have plans of developing him in small quantities for only the massively wealthy.  If you own an iPhone or Playstation 3… then you too can own a Chris 2.0.  The fact that Chris 2.0 is made completely from recycled products makes him available for the low low price of only 399.99!  Or six monthly payments of $67.  Or twelve monthly payments of $34.

Don’t let the opportunity pass you buy to purchase a Chris 2.0 today.  He’s fun, affordable and attractive.

Call 1-800-BUY-CHRIS20 or visit our online shopping center at www.chris20. 

All major credit cards accepted.

Chris 2.0 says “Thumbs Up!!  Yeah!!”

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I’ll have new material tomorrow or the next day… gimme a break now….