Kim Kardashian Ready To Marry Former Cro-Magnon Man: Kris Humphries

 Cro-Magnon men are well-known as the earliest modern humans with traces of their existence dating back about 35,000 years ago. From what scientists with brains larger than the average watermelon can assume is that their forehead was straight, with slight browridges along with a prominent chin and a tall forehead. They stood around 6 feet 3 inches tall and their limbs were long making them stand like a stretched-out Stretch Armstrong. All in all, you could expect them to look like what the ugliest human alive today might look like.

"Hmmm... What for dinner? Wooly Mammoth or that dude that died yesterday?"

It has long been assumed that these Cro-Magnon men died out long before the Wal-Mart deli made catching a saber-tooth tiger in order to feed your family seem like a desperate act of suicide.

Well, that’s what scientists with brains bigger than the average watermelon want you to think. What they’re not telling you is that several years ago they discovered one of the Cro-Magnon men completely well-preserved in a frozen pile of mammoth dung.

“The best we can tell is that he was the unfortunate recipient of a major blockage inside a very constipated wooly mammoth,” said Norwegian fecal scientist Ole Vogelstein who discovered the giant pile of crap. “Uh… judging by the fact he had a spear in his hand when we found him, we assumed he was sneaking up on the mammoth as a means to run him through with a spear. It didn’t pan out as he’d expected.”

Scientist Ole Vogelstein stands near the discovery of the largest pile of mammoth dung ever found. Shortly after this picture was taken, the frozen Cro-Magnon man was found inside.

The frozen Cro-Magnon man was found in the mammoth feces shortly after it was attempted to move giant pile of preserved poop.

“We ran a couple seismic tests on the pile and came to find a rather large, unusual lump within the pile that, had it actually come out of a wooly mammoth, would have torn it a new asshole.” said Ole. “Since it is just poop and we weren’t really worried about keeping it in mint condition, we broke it open and found a caveman inside, frozen all these years with a scream still on his face.”

Ole and his fecal scientist associates unfroze the cro-magnon man, named it Kris and taught it how to play basketball.

Unfrozen caveman basketball player: Kris

Before too long, the former Cro-Magnon man who was perfectly preserved in a giant pile of wooly mammoth shit, garnered attention from several basketball scouts from America.

“It appears that the mammoth shit he was preserved in helped his body stay warm and moist while slowing down his heart just enough to stay alive,” said New Jersey Nets scout Humphrey Smithbalm, “What most of us couldn’t imagine staying in for more than a few minutes, this kid survived in for 35,000 years! For what it’s worth, I think the mammoth shit regenerated his cells to a point where he’s almost unbreakable! Which is pretty amazing considering wooly mammoths only really ate tundra grass.”

For a life that began over 35,000 years ago in an arctic cave and seemed to have ended under an incredibly large meadow muffin, Kris’ life has really turned around. Several months ago, Kris asked reigning reality show queen Kim Kardashian to marry him (after he smashed her across the cranium with a giant club as was his former custom).

She said yes.

Going with what he’s known for the last 35,000 years, Kris runs to the next closest thing to a giant, steaming, rancid, frozen pile of mammoth droppings.

“Me like her,” said Kris in broken english, “She have big ass. I like. Not big like mammoth but still pretty big.”

 

“You know, he’s just the sweetest guy,” says Kim, “Other than those moments where he starts sweating and smells like a giant turd.”

 

 

NEWSFLASH: Gorilla Loose In City

A large silverback Gorilla named “Gatorade” escaped from the Oklahoma City zoo early Saturday morning.

Gatorade never liked being confined to a cage

Gatorade orchestrated his escape in a fairly unconventional method. 

As Camilla Andrews, an employee of the zoo, entered Gatorade’s cage, he appeared to be sleeping along with the other gorillas.  The zookeeper laid down his food in the corner as she did every morning.  When she turned around, Gatorade was eye level with her.

An eyewitness says that Gatorade handed Andrews what appeared to be a small palm tree fashioned from his own feces.  Before Andrews could visibly thank Gatorade, she was attacked from behind by Gatorade’s mate: a gorilla named “Sags”.  It is now obvious that the feces palm tree was a distraction.

Sags “hangin’ out”

Sags had apparently fashioned a machete out of her own feces and used it to chop off Andrews face. 

Now faceless, Andrews was unable to see Gatorade, Sags and the three other gorillas: an albino male named “Powder”, a female named “Liza Minelli” and their gorilla baby named “Fresca”, exit the holding cage and start running for the zoo exit.

Security was called and efforts were made to contain the gorillas within the confines of the zoo.

Three zoo security officers were shot with what are now confirmed to be feces bullets coming from a feces gun, both fashioned from what is assumed to be the collective feces of their cage.

All three officers were pronounced dead at the scene.

Tranquilizer darts were powerless against the gorillas as it also appeared the gorillas had made full body armor from their feces making a tranquilizer dart unable to penetrate the gorilla’s skin.

Faced with a sudden depletion of men due to death by feces bullets, security called their lesser known companions: the zoo ninjas.

Did I mention… the zoo ninjas were Chris Farley ninja clones?

Before all the gorillas were able to escape, the zoo ninjas were able to subdue Sags, Powder, Liza Minelli and Fresca with a series of roundhouse kicks, karate chops and throwing stars.

Unfortunately, Gatorade was unable to be brought back in.  He made it all the way to a highway overpass with the ninjas in tow, but jumped off the overpass onto the trailer of passing semi and escaped.

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Gatorade is roughly five feet, six inches tall when standing straight up but usually travels slightly hunched over.  He has black hair and brown eyes.  Last time he was seen he was wearing feces body armor but is believed he dumped it (no pun intended) upon his escape.  He isn’t known to wear clothes and travels with just his body hair which is mostly black except for his back, which is silver.  He is armed with feces weapons and is VERY dangerous so do not approach him or try to pet him if you do see him.

His favorite food is bananas.

His favorite toy is a stuffed kitty cat.

It is believed that Gatorade is somewhere in the Oklahoma City area but has family at the Dallas zoo so it is possible he may be traveling down I-35 to reach his family. 

Do not pick up any hitchhikers that appear to be gorillas.

Please use caution when picking up hitchhikers…

We’ll keep you up to date on the latest developments.

If you spot Gatorade please call our hotline: 1-800-96FECES.