Alright ya’ll… here’s the final batch! It’s been a blast answering all your questions! Thanks for making me feel important!
You can read the other questions here.
Erin K came up with all these…
1. What is the nastiest thing you’ve ever eaten?
I used to frequent the Denny’s close to my college campus every night after hard nights of partying. It was here that I could reminisce on many many MANY stories… but I’ll only tell you this one.
A clouded mind is willing to do (and eat) just about anything once the taste buds have been fried by an unknown mix of fermented hops, jello shots and trashcan punch. It was at this Denny’s where I NEVER deviated from my most favorite 3AM meal: Smothered Cheese Fries with Crumbled Bacon and Ranch Dipping Sauce. Oh my.
I imagine Heaven is floating on clouds made of smothered cheese fries
There is nothing more scrumptious to soak up the river of alcohol coursing through your system than this fried, melty cheese covered treat.
While my group was waiting for our food, we noticed another table had just left their half eaten food for us to scavenge! To hell with spreading vast unknown quantities of some disease capable or rotting our faces off by eating someone elses Moons Over My Hammy! WE WERE FREAKIN’ HUNGRY DAMMIT!!
As we scarfed down this half eaten food, someone noticed the previous consumers of this food had put out a cigarette in the middle of the pile of ketchup they had used for their fries.
“Whoever eats this cigarette,” proclaimed one of my buddies, “I will pay for their meal tonight!”
Without hesitation I volunteered my gullet. I was in college, mind you, and free meals were hard to come by.
“Do I have to chew it?” I asked.
Somewhat horrified that I was actually going to eat this used cigarette, my buddy simply said, “Naw dude… I don’t care how you do it.”
Again, without hesitation, I lapped the cigarette a few more times in the ketchup and then swallowed it.
Did I mention I was wearing a Superman suit at the time? And… I had some really douchey sideburns. And… my right eye starts to droop as the night goes on…
Honestly, since I didn’t have to chew it, I can’t say that it was really all that disgusting. In a sense, I bypassed all my taste buds by shoving it into the back of my throat and then throwing it into my stomach. I had also partied enough that night that you probably could have given me Smothered Cheese Cigarettes with Cigarette Ash and Saliva Dipping Sauce and I wouldn’t have noticed.
2. If you turned into a girl with really small boobs, and you couldn’t get a boob job for some crazy medical reason, what other female experiences would you want to try? (other than playing with your boobs all day)
So, I’m assuming I magically turned into this girl right with all my current male hormones? I’m still THE Papa K just in a really small-boobed woman’s body… correct? I’m going to assume that’s the case so I would first and foremost becoming a raging lesbian and if I look anything like I look now as a woman… I think it’s pretty safe to say I’d be pretty butch.
Before the Spice Girls had “Scary Spice” they had me: “Manish Spice”.
With all that being said, the differences between a really horny, hormone enriched dude and a bull dike lesbian chick with no boobs are slim (except for the plumbing).
After all that though, I’d have to say if I wanted to experience one female experience I would probably want to get my drinks paid for at the bar… even if it was from another bull dike lesbian trying to get in my pants.
Oh… and trying to pee outside. It looks hard for you guys! Standing up is soooooooo much easier and fun to do when you’re trying to write your name in the snow.
3. If you had to kill someone, absolutely HAD to, what method would you choose?
Hmmm… let’s see… probably the “punch-through-the-chest-then-rip-out-their-still-beating-heart” move.
Or perhaps the “roundhouse-kick-to-the-temple-then-the-knee-slam-to-the-face-then-the-rip-of-their-spinal-cord-out-of-their-anus” move.
Or, better yet, the “double-lutz-triple-sow-cow-with-a-twist-karate-chop-to-the-testicles-(or vagina) to-distract-the-eventual-shotgun-to-the-face” move.
When all else fails… kick ’em in the nuts…
4. Are you ever going to move away from Okla-friggin-homa?
Erin… I’ve got a lot of freakin’ crazy fans out there who want a swatch of my skin for their trophy wall or lock of my hair for their voodoo doll. Since you told them I live in Oklahoma that effectively eliminated the six other continents and 49 other states I could be living in.
Now I’m going TO HAVE TO MOVE! THANKS A LOT!!
5. Think of your most embarrassing moment from your childhood. Was anyone else responsible for said moment? If you could exact revenge for said moment – if it was someone else’s fault – what form would that revenge take?
Well… I’ve got no one else to blame other than myself. I was a raging dork. I actually wrote about it about a year and a half ago on my old blog. If you wanna read it click this: Monkey Balls. Or you can click the dorky picture of me and it’ll take you there:
Yes… that’s me… with the ice tea… and the hammer pants… and the Marvin the Martian t-shirt… and the turtleneck… and the look on my face worthy of an ass-whoopin’…
(SIDENOTE: if you read the story please excuse the crappy writing… it was a year-and-a-half ago… I think I’ve improved a little at least)
6. What is your biggest regret in life? (I know we’re supposed to not have any regrets because they help us grow, blah blah blah, but we all do, so spill it).
I’m in the business of completely spilling my guts, embarrassing myself and basically holding nothing off-limits… except when it comes to this question. So I won’t divulge much more information other than just saying what my biggest regret is: I had a one night stand in college. That’s it… that’s my biggest regret.
Nipping at the heels of my biggest regret… is my SECOND biggest regret. Read about it here.
7. If you could go back in time to relive one moment – not change it, just relive it, what would that moment be?
Can I choose two? No? Well too bad.
First, I would relive my actually wedding day on Shipwreck Beach in Kaui, Hawaii:
While it was an incredibly happy moment indeed… I wasn’t relaxed. I was quite tense. No more tense than I think anyone is when they get married on their wedding day. But, knowing then what I know now, I think I could have enjoyed myself a little more.
On a separate note… does anyone notice how skinny I am (and how shiny my forehead is)?
As opposed to how I look now?
Secondly, I’d relive DLG being born. As it was when Bunny and I got married, only multiplied by about 2 million, I was very tense, stressed, worried and basically a tightly wound ball of emotions. Knowing what I know now… I’d like to go back a relive that (as well as the first two years of her life as well!).
I may look calm… probably because I have NO IDEA what I’m about to get into.
Totally. Completely. Clueless… as to what I’m doing.
Casey Shelton asked:
If you had to take the funniest thing that ever happened to you and turn it into a porn, what would you call it?
Hmmm… how many jugs of Crown Royal mixed with Southern Comfort had you chugged before you came up with this question!?
It’s hard to narrow one particular instance as “the funniest thing” that’s ever happened to me so I guess I’ll just choose one out of the never-ending list of hilarious things that have happened to me. I think I’ll go with peeing in a pair of shoes that belonged to my gangster neighbor.
This story mainly centers around peeing and gangsters so I guess I’d call this particular porn, “The Golden Shower Gangsters”.
There you go. I gave my answer. I’m not going to write a whole screenplay on how I think the movie should play out…
DCHY came up with a thoughtful one:
Have you ever given to charity? And claimed it was a bigger donation than it really was when you told your friends?
Yes… my wife and I currently give to a charity called Compassion International. We sponsor a little boy in Ethiopia. An amount of money is automatically withdrawn from our bank account every month to help provide for whatever he needs over there. While I’m not going to tell you how much we give… I will promise you that WE REALLY DO GIVE to this charity and I would encourage anyone who doesn’t currently give to a charity to consider Compassion as a choice.
Roger asked one simple question:
Will the Rangers GO to the World series this October?
God I hope so dude. I’ve been a fan since I was about thirteen. After all the years of loving them… you’d think I’d receive some sort of lovin’ back! Right?
I happen to know you’re from New York. Are you a Yankees fan? If you are… then you shouldn’t be because:
Shelle BlokThoughts asked some hard hitting questions:
Okay… if you could be famous for one thing and one thing only… what would it be for?
Probably for this:
If you were stranded on an island and had the internet for 30 seconds… what blog would you visit because that is all it would allow you to do is read one blog? (that might be the gayest question ever)
Totally not gay because I have a totally heterosexual answer: Kim Kardashian’s of course!
I know I shamelessly plug her alot… but it’s part of my schpiel! And, if anyone wants to help me out, I want to get her to plug my blog on my fanroll and my unwavering need to have her picture with me!
Cuz this one’s just not doing it for me any more…
How much money did you pay your wife to marry you and procreate?
Whoa! Harsh question sister! I’ll have you know I’m offended! I think we complement each other pretty well! You know… sometimes it’s not always what’s on the outside that matters! I may look like an old Vanilla Ice with graying hair and a bad back… but I’ll have you know that I make her laugh EVERY DAY! If she had married Ryan Reynolds I don’t think she would have gotten that! Well… okay… maybe she would have… but that’s not the point! Bunny sees something in me that all of you out there in blog land don’t… and there’s not a price you can put on that.
But to answer your question… five million dollars. I had to get an advance on my entire inheritance. Boy… has it been worth it!
Our agreement was that I would pay her 2.5 million to say that she would marry me… then I would pay her the other 2.5 million AFTER we were actually married. This picture shows me giving her the last of what I promised I would give her.
Mandal (my only member-jacket wearing super fan) asked:
Have u ever regretted something u’v done? what was it? why do you regret it?
See NUMBER SIX on ERIN K’s list of questions above there brother.
What was the size of your largest booger?
unfortunately… I’ve never measured my boogers so I can’t accurately answer this question. What I can tell you is there’s a pretty good collection of boogers under the front seat of my car where I so conveniently stash them while I’m driving. I’ll have to go out there and see if I can wrench any of them out from underneath my seat. Although… they might have shrunk in the heat we’ve been enduring here in Oklahoma so the measurements might not be entirely accurate. I’m guessing my largest was somewhere between three to five feet long.
Have ever timed your farts to see how long they were and what was the longest?
No… I have not timed my farts either. I have some sort of sick obsession with them though.
Wanna blow some time at work? Try out the Fart Soundboard!!! My favorites are the “Uh-Oh”, the”What are you saying?” and the “I don’t know!”
Completely third grade humor I know…
So… that’s it my loves. I want to thank everyone who participated and everyone else can go jump off a cliff. Wait… no I didn’t mean that. Seriously… thank you everyone for reading and asking questions. I’ll have to do this again soon. In what other posts can I talk about farts, Compassion International, Denny’s Cheese Fries, the Texas Rangers and what I would do if I was a chick with really small boobs!? It’s a recipe that can’t be beat!